KELSEY SWANSONKelsey Swanson

IThe Entrance

Kelsey Swanson enters a room the way a pageant queen enters a stage she’s finally allowed to walk—two runner-up finishes behind her, the Miss Rhode Island crown secured in 2017, and the confidence of a woman who waited her turn and has no intention of waiting for anything else. Owner of Miss Makeup RI, living in what this dossier will generously call luxurious alignment with one of the state’s more notable figures, she arrived on RHORI polished, sharp, and armed with props.

IIThe Estate Appraisal

Miss Makeup RI is a real, thriving business—pageants, photoshoots, weddings—but Kelsey’s true Season 1 legacy was theatrical: showing up to Rosie DiMare’s house with an actual bullhorn, announcing “house police, house police, looking for 8,000 square feet” over suspicions Rosie’s home wasn’t as large as advertised. Rosie’s retaliation—slam pig—became the wound Kelsey reopened weeks later by wearing a “Miss Slam Pig” sash to Ashley’s trivia night, reigniting the feud into a full screaming match. She insists the bullhorn stunt was “not that serious.” The audience, and Rosie, disagreed for several more episodes before everyone made peace at the World Cup.

IIIThe Verdict

Kelsey shall be placed in The Pageant Prop Closet—bullhorns, sashes, crowns, all meticulously organized and all, evidently, still very much in circulation. She is Rhode Island’s most committed physical comedian, a woman who escalates conflict through costume changes rather than confrontation. Her core contradiction: she insists her jokes aren’t personal, then builds each one specifically to reopen the last wound she left.